Ken Vickers

Cracklin’ Bread

Confused And Conflicted
I think all of us old folks feel the same in that when hot weather comes and the humidity is so thick one can hardly breathe we say “I will never complain about cold weather again.” 
And when it is below freezing for three days running and then stays overcast, frosty, and a light mist falls constantly, and this wet cold goes right through all the clothing one can possibly wear, and every joint on us screams for over the counter measures, (or even under the counter ones), we say “I’ll never complain about hot weather again.”  
This is normal, I think, but it seems I am growing more confused as I grow older and that my life is getting more complicated. 
In the recent past, having watched TV, and read newspapers and periodicals, the media has me firmly convinced that;
1. I am a fiscal and moral conservative, therefore I am a fascist;
2. I am heterosexual, therefore I am a homophobe;
3. I am a Christian, therefore I am an infidel;
4. I am over 65 and semiretired, therefore I am a useless old man;
5. I value my safety and that of my family and appreciate the police and legal system, therefore I am a right wing extremist;
6. I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual’s merits, therefore I am a greedy, self-serving capitalist;
7. I believe in both the defense and protection of the homeland by all citizens and believe in the 2nd amendment, therefore I am a gun happy militarist.
8. I believe men and boys should go into a men’s and boy’s restroom and that women and girls should go into a women’s and girl’s restroom.
Since I am not quite sure what this last statement makes me, it is here where I become a very confused old man facing a very complicated situation, to wit; I may have to use a public restroom and I am scared to death Mr. Obama might have a Federal Potty Watcher watching and that if I make the wrong decision and go to the wrong potty, I may get sent to Guantanamo. 
I hear they have lots of vacancies there now that our Golfer in Chief has released the terrorists to return to the battlefield to possibly kill and maim more of our sons and daughters, (And this under the guise of fostering good relations with these nut bag Islamic nations. Looks to me like sending plane loads of cash would be enough), and has made room for many of us white folks described above and whom the President and Ms. Clinton apparently believe are all racists.
Oh, and if you are black and believe in the 8 items mentioned above, then you are Uncle Tom, a lapdog, or just a plain unfrosted Oreo cookie. 
There is room at the Guantanamo Inn for you, also.
 
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